No Regrets

For one of the first times in my entire life, I was called brave today. And it felt amazing.

For once in my life, I took a major risk. I took a chance with my heart, in the hopes that something good would come of it. And, while it didn't work out as I had hoped, something good certainly came from it.

In the past 6 weeks, I feel as though I have learned more about myself than in the past year. And I can look back on each moment and not regret a single one.

I feel as though the bruises on a piece of my heart can now heal in a healthy way. The first time these bruises were inflicted, I let them fester. I let them slowly eat at the rest of my heart like a cancer - allowed them to harden and create a more cynical and non-whimsical person for years. I never allowed myself the luxury of purging the wounds and giving them air and letting them breathe so they could heal. Instead, I let them fester and then covered them up for my next relationship, which wasn't until 4 years down the road.

My relationship last year taught me how to have an adult relationship. It taught me that not all fairy tales come true, and sometimes two people just aren't right for each other - that breaking up does not have to mean hating each other for years. It can be done the right way, in the right time, so that both can take time to heal properly and then come together and be wonderful friends, knowing that, while you aren't meant for each other romantically, you were meant to be together for a time to create a relationship that can blossom as a beautiful, lifelong friendship.

Which led me to the decisions I've made thus far in 2010.

I pulled off the bandages from those bruises and I let them breathe. And, in doing so, I allowed their inflictor to come back into my life, into my heart, as a new person - the result of 6 years of growing up from both of us. We started as fresh as we possibly could, and I made the decision to jump.

It was so wonderful. I felt adored again. I felt needed. I felt...wanted. Which is not something I'm used to feeling. I soaked it up like a sponge, and it was amazing.

....but just not right.

Something felt off, and, because I couldn't put my finger on the precise reason, I ignored it. I waited for the anxiety to pass, I tried to just forget it and focus on the here and now and just enjoy our time together.

Then, I realized, that just as much as I should not have ignored the bruises, I should not ignore the gut feeling in my heart that it was not meant to be. And so, I made the decision to end it before waiting 6 months from now. So that we can salvage our newfound friendship.

And I have absolutely no regrets. No more bruises. They are still there, but they are now yellowing instead of deep purple and blue. They are healing.

And now, whenever I think of this person, because of this wonderful time we've had together, I will never again think of the first go-round and the bruises that it left me with. I will think about a dear, dear friend and how, though we have everything in common and can maintain a solid friendship, we just are not meant to be together.

And that...is something very good.