You Can't Go Home Again

So, in a completely uncharacteristic move, I decided to be spontaneous and come to Athens. There's a jazz trombonist that Nathan and I stumbled upon in New Orleans on the Sugar Bowl trip of '07/'08 and we fell in love with him. He's playing here in town tonight, and Nathan invited me to go along with he and Alison. I wasn't going to come, because frankly, I've got too much to do and not enough time to do it in. Well, then Bill calls and says he's going, too, and doesn't want to be the third wheel. Needless to say, it did not take a lot of arm-twisting to get me to come.

I have six 2-page article reviews due on Monday, not to mention 3 books to finish before Tuesday. But I just could not pass this opportunity up. And, while it will be great to see some of my closest friends and hear some good music, I just found myself overwhelmed with the desire to get out of Villa Rica.

I know I'm where I need to be. I know I'm getting the degree that I want, and I'm fine with the workload that comes along with it. But, let's face it - I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I don't want a roommate, and it's nice living by myself for the most part. But, honestly. I wake up alone, I head to the library for work, where I have minimal conversations with Boss-Who-Hates-Me and my 2 co-workers, then I get locked up in an office and spend 5 hours in silence. Then I head to class, where I have some conversation with friends before it starts, then the only words I speak for the next 3 hours involve historical analysis. Then, after a few parting words, I head home to be alone again.

I'm not trying to complain. This is where I need to be right now, and I get that. But seriously, this week I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear - oddly enough, I wanted nothing more than to be alone, but at the same time, wanted to escape the loneliness that I constantly feel. That makes no sense.

It was just a dramatic week, and I've been thrust into a stupid situation that I can't do a thing about, even though something needs to be done. And, in the process, I feel like I'm betraying someone I love, knowing that even if I did tell them about it, it would do the opposite of anything good. I'm stuck.

So, I jumped at the chance to come back to Athens. It's like coming home, even though there are only a precious few people left to come home to. I love the familiar feeling of turning onto loop 10, driving past the places I used to hang out, live, and spend time with my friends. I love stupid things like knowing the right lane ends on College Station so I automatically go to the left. I love walking into a grungy place like ChooChoo and cracking up inside at all the ridiculous crap that went down in that place.

Right now, I'm sitting in my favorite plush leather brown chair in my favorite coffee place in the world, drinking the best coffee I've ever had. I finished my thesis in this place. This is where I first read Twilight. This is where I hung out with Dave. This is where Rachel works and sneaks me free coffee. I feel inexplicably home in this city, though I'd never in a million years move back.

It's like coming home, but in a removed way. This place was the perfect place for me to be in college, and when I come back, it's not to re-experience it. It's just...to steal a few minutes back.

I love the familiarity of what I'm doing. I'm waiting for Bill to get off work from driving campus transit buses, and I'll head to his apartment and he'll call me Big T and we'll solve the world's problems before Nathan and Alison get to town. I'll laugh at all the freshmen trying to get away with their fake id's tonight Downtown.

Maybe this makes me some form of an escapist, but I've been sitting here for 2 hours in this chair, with full access to my schoolwork, but I've been reading Twilight fanfic instead.

And I don't even care.

I'll worry about schoolwork tomorrow. Right now I'm home.